My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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