pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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