the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
