Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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