my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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