Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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