Your mouth is God's brothel.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
