She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
