It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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