I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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