maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
