I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're like the curious george of whores
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
