trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
