Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
