You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
