I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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