update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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