i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
