Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.