it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
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I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
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my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.