if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
