I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.