My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
