i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
