I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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