He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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