Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
