My sheets look like a crime scene.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
