lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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