I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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