his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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