Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I didn't notice because vodka
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
