I swear she didn't look like that last week.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
