so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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