he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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