remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
