what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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