I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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