Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
