god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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