Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
