the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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