I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
