I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
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Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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