So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
