it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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