you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
