took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
