I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
