hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
