When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
