im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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