My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
did you just send me my own nude
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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