dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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