im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I cockslap morals
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
