Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
