i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
