I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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