just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
