chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
