Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
