I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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